Promoting Your Child’s Social and Emotional Success by Compivating

At a local park recently my sons, 4 and 2, had a mini turf war. Naturally, concerned moms and dads stepped in to try and mediate. The idea started out of a misperception that siblings don’t get along. Both children wanted to be in each other’s company and be happy. When they won on the playing field, they gathered up and took turns telling me how great it felt to be one another’s friend… sharing Daddy.

underneath all that moping, railing and pulling down their eyes,ibling rivalry was spilling over. Instead of competing with each other, they each wanted to control the other–specifically, by pulling down their hair and having a hair pulling contest. When they got together my two year old son quickly told me they should be nicer to each other. “No! Why? Does that make you say so?”

Hopefully that has been provocative in understanding that sometimes the way children view themselves is not necessarily the way they should view others. One child may believe his or her needs come first. The other child may assume the role of playmate and view him or her as the one on a pedestal in the group. To practice promoting the social and emotional development of your child, be a good role model and extend your ability to show empathy to others, including your child and his or her friends.

Here’s how it works:

As a parent you may have a tendency to brush your children off and not engage their needs. When your child begins to exhibit behavior that you don’t like or you think is not appropriate, instead of focusing on the negative behavior, you may try this method:

How do they think you are helping them by not engaging their needs or meeting their needs- negatively? Focus on the needs for the children. You can do it by sharing your needs with them and getting the rest of the gang to help at the same time.

In family therapy sessions, the key client is often Dad. By showing Dad the power of encouragement he can feel his input into his children’s relationships, and by giving him the supportive roles he needs to overlook a child’s inappropriate behavior, Dad can realize it is just a stage and the need to justify his child’s behavior does not affect the relationship with his children.

Here’s another powerful dimension to this idea that you can use in your home. Talk about how you want the rest of the family to treat your children. Every family is different and you have to approach your kids with unique needs and how they need to be raised. When your children ask for something and you have to decide how to respond, what are you describing so that they know what they should be asking for? Again, view the need for your needs into the nature of your relationship and interactions with your kids.

Is it selfish? What’s wrong with asking for things you need? What’s wrong with desiring what others want? Here’s an especially powerful way of viewing your kids feeling special privileges -Harness Jim and put that harness away! When you let your kids pressurize your other needs, it makes it more difficult for you to listen to their obvious wants.

How to get the cooperation of your kids

While we have some ideas about how you get cooperation in kids, I’d like to suggest some questions of your own that can help your get the cooperation of your kids. As a modest proposal, people might use this as a Christmas game. Once a month, ask your family what Halloween was like for them and your kids will add their own.